Tuesday, September 19, 2006

like a polaroid picture

you and your unrestrained affection, shy or squirrely or calm and quiet-like, make me feel loved regardless of how horrible the day has been. sometimes it's only for a few moments, but you are why i know it's no mistake that i am allergic to cats.

you make me want to cry. scream. throw myself at you. call you out on your assface behavior. but i want me to be better than that. god dammit! i am a porcupine. keep (unknowingly?) pushing my buttons, and i'll spit fire. [i hate ambivalence. i've never said that before. i'll never say it again - i hope.]

you make a strange part of my brain ache. the part that knows i'm doing the right thing, but that misses what was there before. it's an unsettling feeling to realize that you do not want (what you used to so badly) at all anymore. it would be easier to forget any of it happened. can't.

you make me know that i'm not horrible. and that i'm not going crazy. and that i'm not the only one who feels like throwing f-bombs and rocks at boys. you make me realize truths that settle my soul. and that i can slack off if i want to every once in a while. that indulgence is something a girl really NEEDS when it is necessary. which means that dessert is never a bad thing.

you make me feel like a whole person, except for that you're not here, which makes me sad. but you also make me know that there is a lot more to a really good friendship than physical presence. you are the proof that there are people who will be there and understand and love no matter what, regardless of petty problems and busy-ness and distance. it doesn't matter if we aren't in the same place for a while. as terribly depressing and painful (seriously, it aches sometimes...) as it is, we'll be good. and knowing that makes me happy.

you and your curly hair and your lunch offerings make me smile. just a little bit. i've got no overwhelming hopes for anything, but whenever i see a broken mirror, i think of you.

you and your goofy smile make me feel like everything is all right in the world. like all of my sins are forgiven, regardless of my heathen ways, or my drunken ramblings, or my 'faulty' politics. you are more accepting than i expected, and this gives me hope for the world.

you have no idea how much it meant to me that you showed me those pictures. i'll never be able to express it, no matter how i try. thank you.

you assure me that i am loveable. you make me question my ability to love.

you are my collective gorillas. not meaning that you are dumb, because you're all ridiculously smart. you are my collective gorillas, because, if i asked, you would take a bat to anyone if they bothered me. and this i appreciate, more than you will ever know. and as it was referred to in good will hunting, that is called loyalty.

these are my pseudo-love letters. some of them are written with more affection than others. some of them are not love letters at all, but hate-letters, or as close to that as i will ever come. mostly they are to myself; not in the sense that i am schizophrenic, or afflicted with multiple personalities, but that i have the unnerving need to express these sorts of things about the way people affect me. some of them are direct as love letters should be, and if you recognize yourself as one, take it as my gratitude. some of them are more frustrations with my own emotions, and should not be taken personally. if you recognize one of these, my mirroring of you in the void of my semi-cynical heart, apologies. don't worry too much - i'll heal, if indeed i am broken at all.

the first one is about a dog.

i am listening with every breath i've got.
SAEGLOPUR: sigur ros (1:47-1:53)
DIA A CHANTAR M'ER: unknown (0:00-0:25)
GOD BLESS THE MOON : games of may (2:50-3:06)
ALL THE WORLD TONIGHT: graham colton (0:19-0:52)
BALLAD OF A THIN MAN: bob dylan (3:35-3:59)
HEY YA [acoustic cover]: obadiah parker (0:00-4:27)
DILAUDID: the mountain goats (1:11-1:40)

not being, but becoming…we are not yet, but we shall be…not everything shines and sparkles as yet, but everything is getting better.

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