Thursday, September 28, 2006

got these far away blues

i have three overwhelming new adorations:
grey's anatomy [thursday night happiness].
dr. preston burke [my new tv doctor of choice].
joe purdy, and his beautiful voice [heart-breaking folk music].

i just felt like i should maybe admit to these obsessions before they consume me.

i love rain most, when it stops.

making bananas foster and spinach quiche lorraine for dinner. being an insomniac [again] and thus really appreciating the comfort of my bed. filming a photo essay of my castle. dangerous hugs. dreaming [in spanish] about sobbing about fruit. indulging even when i don't have time. angelhair pasta, challah bread, sweet potatoes, peaches, tomato cayenne bread with raspberry jam, and peanut-butter covered pretzels.

the lake is angry, and beating itself against the shores.

we weather together it's never a feather your mother my father they sever the ties. they sever the tether that holds us together, the tether we sever is breaking our minds.
this girl's got a twitch, you son of a bitch, we are made to abstain: the cure for the uncommon itch. my name sounds the same when you say it like that, but i can't stand the rain much longer.
sing me a song oh bastard faced-liar, i know you can hum the tune of the sweet. even between lines you spin higher and higher, but i'm never enough of a melody to complete.
messiah, medusa, la musa, they call me. with fog horns and sickles together we'll be. you're reckless, i'm headless- my heart in the dungeon; with needles and telegraphs together we'll be.
these maps that you're leaving around in my easy chairs are covered in blood and fallacy ridden. stop wasting my time with your decaying red banter, i'd handle the truth if you wouldn't keep it so hidden.
bare polka dot patterns rip my ribs all to dust. and the old chinese rooster is beginning to rust. bury me bury me, in sand made of seaweed, we'll never love no one whose clocks mutter their trust.
we weather together it's never a feather your mother my father they sever the ties. they sever the tether that holds us together, the tether we sever is breaking our minds.

I'm so selfish | Won't you forgive me my haste | But I hope you last forever | At least all of my days.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

like a polaroid picture

you and your unrestrained affection, shy or squirrely or calm and quiet-like, make me feel loved regardless of how horrible the day has been. sometimes it's only for a few moments, but you are why i know it's no mistake that i am allergic to cats.

you make me want to cry. scream. throw myself at you. call you out on your assface behavior. but i want me to be better than that. god dammit! i am a porcupine. keep (unknowingly?) pushing my buttons, and i'll spit fire. [i hate ambivalence. i've never said that before. i'll never say it again - i hope.]

you make a strange part of my brain ache. the part that knows i'm doing the right thing, but that misses what was there before. it's an unsettling feeling to realize that you do not want (what you used to so badly) at all anymore. it would be easier to forget any of it happened. can't.

you make me know that i'm not horrible. and that i'm not going crazy. and that i'm not the only one who feels like throwing f-bombs and rocks at boys. you make me realize truths that settle my soul. and that i can slack off if i want to every once in a while. that indulgence is something a girl really NEEDS when it is necessary. which means that dessert is never a bad thing.

you make me feel like a whole person, except for that you're not here, which makes me sad. but you also make me know that there is a lot more to a really good friendship than physical presence. you are the proof that there are people who will be there and understand and love no matter what, regardless of petty problems and busy-ness and distance. it doesn't matter if we aren't in the same place for a while. as terribly depressing and painful (seriously, it aches sometimes...) as it is, we'll be good. and knowing that makes me happy.

you and your curly hair and your lunch offerings make me smile. just a little bit. i've got no overwhelming hopes for anything, but whenever i see a broken mirror, i think of you.

you and your goofy smile make me feel like everything is all right in the world. like all of my sins are forgiven, regardless of my heathen ways, or my drunken ramblings, or my 'faulty' politics. you are more accepting than i expected, and this gives me hope for the world.

you have no idea how much it meant to me that you showed me those pictures. i'll never be able to express it, no matter how i try. thank you.

you assure me that i am loveable. you make me question my ability to love.

you are my collective gorillas. not meaning that you are dumb, because you're all ridiculously smart. you are my collective gorillas, because, if i asked, you would take a bat to anyone if they bothered me. and this i appreciate, more than you will ever know. and as it was referred to in good will hunting, that is called loyalty.

these are my pseudo-love letters. some of them are written with more affection than others. some of them are not love letters at all, but hate-letters, or as close to that as i will ever come. mostly they are to myself; not in the sense that i am schizophrenic, or afflicted with multiple personalities, but that i have the unnerving need to express these sorts of things about the way people affect me. some of them are direct as love letters should be, and if you recognize yourself as one, take it as my gratitude. some of them are more frustrations with my own emotions, and should not be taken personally. if you recognize one of these, my mirroring of you in the void of my semi-cynical heart, apologies. don't worry too much - i'll heal, if indeed i am broken at all.

the first one is about a dog.

i am listening with every breath i've got.
SAEGLOPUR: sigur ros (1:47-1:53)
DIA A CHANTAR M'ER: unknown (0:00-0:25)
GOD BLESS THE MOON : games of may (2:50-3:06)
ALL THE WORLD TONIGHT: graham colton (0:19-0:52)
BALLAD OF A THIN MAN: bob dylan (3:35-3:59)
HEY YA [acoustic cover]: obadiah parker (0:00-4:27)
DILAUDID: the mountain goats (1:11-1:40)

not being, but becoming…we are not yet, but we shall be…not everything shines and sparkles as yet, but everything is getting better.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

cafe nottingham

red wine and coffee, in a rainstorm, is better than just about anything. except maybe polka dots, or black molasses cookies. the amps are crying! they're crying, i say, and the telephone is ringing. but no one can hear it, anyway. because there is a banjo, and an irish dirge, and 13,000 voices singing loud beneath the cobwebs and the chandeliers. electronic whales are swimming through the coffeehouse, and as the static arises, there is a man on a bench, carrying a mandolin on his acid dreams. the calico couples are sitting on couches with coffee stains on their knees, but that doesn't matter. there is a violin playing loud in the attic, and a llama in the trees.

a one-man band, bagpipes, fresh bread, and a bag full of apples that taste like cider.
sweatpants and thermals, at the farmer's market.
harmonizing at three in the morning with five guitars and a drum and sing-a-longs that are so spontaneous and off-key and filled with the blues...

i love being irish.
so come all you weavers, you calton weavers, come all you weavers, where e'er you be
beware of whiskey, nancy whiskey, she'll ruin you like she ruined me
whiskey whiskey nancy whiskey
whiskey whiskey nancy-o

'they wanted footnotes. the illiterate fucks!'

Sunday, September 03, 2006

this space no longer fits.

and that echo chorus lied to me with its
"hold on, hold on hold on hold on hold on..."

babe, remember that time you told me there were multiple of you? and all of them sort of came crashing down on top of each other, and then there was a crack, and the entire world split in two?
i think that happened to me too.

so many words get lost. they leave the mouth and lose their courage, wandering aimlessly until they are swept into the gutter like dead leaves. on rainy days you can hear their chorus rushing past: IwasabeautifulgirlPleasedon'tgoItoobelievemybodyismadeofglassI'veneverlovedanyoneForgive me...

i've been reckless.
and now you're paying.
through the nose, bits of your
heart are

into your
too strong whiskey coke.

and i can see it when she comes.
and she never lets me go.
have all my efforts found the way.
have all my efforts gone astray.

mistakes are meant to be broken. hearts do so too easily. i'm sorry.