techno-ballerinas need loving too!

take me away, take me away
you said that you were gonna stay
but you're always lying anyway
everyday, sinking in the quicksand
follow me down the drain
[travis]

i'm so glad i've discovered my pattern...not. is it masochistic? am i picking them? i can't tell. and it just fucking sucks that it keeps occuring in the same way and i never see it until i'm on the inside. which is difficult to escape from. because i've got a heart, ya know? it becomes attached, to little things, mostly, and i begin to grow minor infatuations. which expand. and sprout fangs. [at first i don't recognize that they are fangs, because i'm blinded. but once i'm on the inside...out they come. stuck in my sides, like thorns, ripping away. steel-tongued tiger lilies, my friends.] what is it about me that lends itself to this sort of attraction? why am i that girl? i've definitely become her, no doubt in my mind now. i swear i'm worth the time and effort and energy and love [is this the biggest one to give away? and i just come in too late? is that it?] to be first. i won't take second anymore...i can't take it anymore. i guess it all comes down to the perks of being a wallflower:

we accept the love we think we deserve.

am i accepting less than what i deserve because i haven't had evidence to the contrary, to say that i deserve more? am i just taking what i can get, and what i get is this? do i deserve more? not everyone ends up that way, in the end. the old maid is no fairy-tale. and now i'm almost afraid to get into anything because i've become so insecure about the lack of action in the past. double-edged sword! i may be a basket-case of a mental girlfriend by the time it finally comes around. please don't give up on me if i haven't managed to remedy this in a reasonable amount of time.

ANYWAY...

i'm really excited about the workers' rights center. social welfare in action, becoming more involved in the spanish community [and i realize more and more every day how much i adore hispanic culture...] finding a focus for my bleeding heart hippie-self...i think its a good thing. new goal: coffee shops. fuck the cold, i'm going up to the capitol. that's where all the adorable stuff is. if i want to find inspiration, i've gotta walk a little ways. writing. my f-ing face off. seriously. fighting through writer's block [it's going to be bloody]. drinking liberally, but not outrageously. for the pure enjoyment of it all. a nice orange martini once in a while is never a bad thing. getting my arse to costa rica, if at all possible. espero que entraré en la pluviselva a ver los animales y los árboles y las cosas hermosas del mundo. ROADTRIPPING it with my wife. we will be spontaneous, and you will hear stories, and gasp in disbelief.

did you really do that? you will say.
and we will respond, why yes. yes, we did.

being ambivalent about:
-environmental conservation [i'druther be a preservationist, but then, i like people way too much. and it's just not feasible to say "preserve this!" and then tell all the starving farmers in peru that they have to move elsewhere.]

-getting a real job. [i want to be a writer! that's it. i feel like a slacker, but i keep telling myself that's just societal pressure. the only 'real' job i can see myself having right now is working in the peace corps through something...i don't even know what. teaching in niger, venezuela? maybe i'll just keep serving terms...and come back to the states every 2 years for a bit? you think that's a good idea? yes?]

and this is how my mind has been spinning.
-dave eggers. [big blue sea]: bob schneider. [satin in a coffin]: modest mouse. becoming a techno-ballerina. [headlock]: imogen heap. red notebooks. realizing just how much anastasia krupnik and harriet the spy have affected my (pseudo) adult life. protesting the cold by adoring jack johnson. apples and cheese. apples and peanut butter. entertaining my inner (coastie, siberian husky, hermit). dark chocolate covered espresso beans. gray tennis shoes with dirt. killing my oregano plant daily, one poor shriveled brown leaf at a time. orange spice tea. [i'll be your lover, too]: van morrison.

i am a maelstrom, a monkey, a masterpiece.