plans of attack from the voice of pacifism

espressitos and loverbeans. monterrey - the place AND the word. thick black ink. therapeutic cleaning parties. rendezvous - the accidental kind. the aloha stratus that could.

we get nostalgic [for disaster] when it's cold and the snowplows rumble outside at night. even when we are rushing along in tennis shoes and pencil skirts and wearing too many scarves for such a chaotic evening, we get nostalgic. that's where the aching comes from. if you could choose when to remember things you used to have, but then you lost, anyone but the most masochistic would choose to forget. nostalgia has its price. but you get to look back! all those things you reveled in, the tiny bits: the little one on the city bus; falling in to a drawer full of fire alarms; running from the swing-set across the street in a rainstorm. we get to look back.

1. digital love [daft punk]
2. arc of time [bright eyes]
3. all my days [alexi murdoch]
4. alright [john legend]
5. mascara [killing heidi]
6. parting of the sensory [modest mouse]
7. these days [nico]

THIS IS IT BOYS. THIS IS WAR.
things to read about over break: peter coyote, sweet willie tumbleweed, and the san fransisco counterculture revolution. about 50 of ginsberg's rambly interviews. the ocean. t.c. boyle's take on humanity. if i die in a combat zone. more: borges, vonnegut, rushdie.
find out how to: get to africa. become employed at 826. pay for a TEFL certificate.
make plans for: traveling to mexico & seattle. finding a conversation partner. being the room lady.
WRITE.

"excitement blew out of his eyes in stabs of fiendish light" - j.k. this is how i feel about next semester. about next year. generally, the next in every category you can think of. but the thing about it is, we don't have to love every day - sometimes there are blizzards and snow plows, unexpected phone calls from people who we had almost forgotten were in existence. there are all of these things that make us holler and stamp our feet, feel the need to clean excessively because it is the only way you can get anything to slow the fuck down. this is just fine. sometimes, in small moments, we hate these days.
BUT. BUT BUT BUT.
learn how to revel.
if you practice, it comes. ever so slowly, but it does.

i belong to an unholy disorder. we call ourselves 'Our Lady of Perpetual Astonishment.' - k.v.